I have been married for what seems like forever.
In reality, it’s only been about a decade. However, at almost 32, that’s a third of my life that I’ve been loving this one man in the eyes of the law. And, love him, I do. But, like all relationships, ours is far from perfect.
I am on a constant path of betterment, bringing perpetual change and upset into our lives. If I start getting antsy, believing I am staying still for too long a time, I get irritable and hard to deal with. My husband, my very best friend, is a stick in the mud. If he had his way, we’d stagnate forever. He is an immovable rhinoceros in the middle of the road, and I- on the other hand- am an avalanche.
You’d think it wouldn’t work, us two, but somehow it does. He balances me, and I push him.
However, it’s not easy choosing to be happy in a relationship when the person you’re with is so opposite of you. Often times I feel lonely, taking on many burdens that aren’t mine in fear that if I don’t, they won’t get done. My husband, on the other hand, often feels swept away- wondering when he’s going to get to enjoy the peace of stillness Tauruses so love.
Lately, we’ve been consciously working on our issues. I talk, a lot, but for anyone listening, I never say anything important about myself. I’ll give opinions on things, because I have them, but when it comes to what makes me tick, it’s a no-go. I could say it’s my Capricorn Moon that makes me hide myself away, or I could say it is the result of feeling invisible growing up- but either way, it makes understanding me, and why I am who I am, that much harder for someone like my husband.
Whereas my husband is a quiet vault. He doesn’t usually speak about his feelings, at all, and even sometimes goes so far as to pretend he doesn’t have any. However, anyone who knows him can read him like a book- especially when he’s angry (which luckily, isn’t often). His opinions, though vast, are usually kept to himself, and he’s quite content to let me ramble my way through an entire Shakespeare’s sonnet before mumbling some resemblance of an answer. This makes it frustrating, for someone like me, because I need to be engaged with someone to feel connected.
This all means that when we’re not on the same page, things can boil over well before we’ve noticed it; leaving us both hurt and angry over the small things, when it’s really the giant elephant under the rug that we’re upset over.
Being together for 13 years, we know we’re in it for the long haul- however, we want the next 13 to be smoother, happier, and easier. We both knew that in order for that to be the case, we needed to realize that we both want two separate things. I want a partner who has ambition, and he wants a lover who finds peace in the moment.
Ironically, we both can have what we want, in each other, if we just take the time to communicate. By trusting my husband to handle things without my supervision, I can release the need to constantly overburden myself. By not feeling overburdened, I can actually enjoy the small moments and not need to constantly be on the go.
But, it starts with communication.
For many of us, especially those in long-term relationships, we’ve lost the art of talking about ourselves. We take for granted that the other person knows us, forgetting that we’re constantly changing. I don’t even have the same favorite foods as I did 13 years ago, let alone the same feelings about important issues and circumstances in my life. How then can my husband know how I feel, if he’s only working with obsolete data, and vice versa?
Communication is key. Talking, not just about the surface feelings, but about those deep down in-the-gut feelings, is important.
But, what if we don’t know where to start? What if we don’t know how we feel? What if we don’t know what we want from our lovers, spouses, or even our friends? Where do we look for guidance?
You could always go to a counselor, if it feels right to you; but, if you’re like me, maybe you’d like a more esoteric answer.
I went to the cards. It’s kind of like The Godfather‘s Going to the Mattresses but without the bloodshed and cool suits.
The cards usually give me great advice, but at times, they can slap me across the face so hard my ancestors feel it. I call it tough love, but in reality, it’s the cards ripping away my delusions and denials without pretense. We tend to hold on to false stories and fabrications (or justifications) for why things are the way they are, and why we can’t change them, but in reality, they can be changed and only we can do it.
This spread is called the Secrets of Love spread, but it will probably be more of a “I knew that but I didn’t think of it that way” spread. We have the answers, we just need someone to clear away the cobwebs from time to time. So, if you get glaringly obvious answers, or answers that you’ve already considered, take them to mean that you needed validation. However, no spread can fix what you’re not willing to work on.
Falling in love is an accident of fate, staying in love is choice of work.Me
If you get answers that you haven’t considered, or wildly random answers, be careful to note what your first impressions of their meanings are. If your initial feelings are fear, you need to recognize that and perhaps delve into where it comes from. I know I have a fear of being unloved, and the cards can often pick up on that without my realizing it. My knee-jerk reactions to spreads are always taken into consideration because it’s my body’s and subconscious’s feelings toward the situation or circumstance- and in order to progress, they need to be felt and accepted.
So, without further ado, I give you my Secrets of Love spread!
As always, with my spreads, here’s my own draw and how I interpreted the positions to apply to my cards!
1. What is in my heart of hearts?
Six of Swords: This card represents movement, change, and releasing baggage. 6oS flew out of the deck, and as soon as I saw it I laughed. I need to let go of that which is holding me back, and this constant moving I do is because I’m afraid of standing still and having to confront it.
2. What is in his heart of hearts?
Ten of Swords: Whew- heavy! This card is loss and betrayal. Though this card is one that immediately gives me the shivers, I understand that in this position it means fear. My husband holds on tight to the things he loves, afraid he’ll lose them if he doesn’t, and so he doesn’t move- he stagnates with the status quo in fear that change will also bring loss.
3. How can we best communicate these to each other?
Nine of Wands: To me this card always means perseverance as well as strength to continue. The way this applies to communicating our heart of hearts to each other is by not locking up- continuing to speak our truths, and being aware of when we’re hiding behind our walls.
4. What is my biggest obstacle in our relationship?
Two of Swords: Again, the cards are not shy about calling me out when I’m doing a spread for people to see; this card signifies purposeful blindness- avoidance of what is in front of you. My biggest obstacle is not only avoiding the hard stuff, but ignoring my responsibility in creating my obstacles.
5. What is his biggest obstacle in our relationship?
Ace of Pentacles: Aces mean new things, and the AoP is the material (or wealth) suit. This card represents manifesting or abundance- and this tells me his biggest obstacle in our relationship comes in the knowing “HOW” or “WHAT”. This is something I’ve known about him, but seeing it reiterated in the cards allows me to have more patience. His fear of loss, shown in the number 2 position with the 10oS, makes it clearer that he’s not sitting still out of stubbornness, he has a real fear that all he’s worked for (and loves) will disappear if he can’t see the path ahead of him.
6. How can we help each other overcome these obstacles?
Queen of Cups: I’m not going to lie, this card made me tear up a bit. The Queen is compassionate, kind, and understanding. She is patient, emotionally stable, and intuitive. She doesn’t hide behind herself, but sits proudly on her throne. This tells me that we can both help each other overcome our obstacles by being compassionate with one another- taking in the idea that perhaps the other person isn’t doing things just to be an ass, being patient, loving, and most of all, emotionally stable. Not allowing the heart to break over stupid things, and instead, intuiting that perhaps there’s a deeper reason for why we are what we are. I’m guilty of assuming he doesn’t care, which hurts his feelings, and he’s guilty of assuming nothing is ever good enough for me, which hurts my feelings. Neither one is true, and we need to be more aware when we make these assumptions.
7. What makes me feel close to him?
Knight of Swords: The card of Ambition, action, and movement. I feel close to him when he’s taking the initiative, moving forward and making plans. Damn if this isn’t spot on. I know I feel this way, but at the same time- do I allow him to be that person, on his terms, or do I force him to be that person on my terms? Something to ponder.
8. What makes him feel close to me?
King of Pentacles: Discipline and Abundance. I don’t finish things, and this bothers him. He’s not mean about it, but he finds my inability to stick with something frustrating (as he will stick to anything he’s started just to say he’s finished it). When I set my mind to something, and stick with it, his pride is beaming. He’s been so supportive of this blog simply because I’ve committed to it. I also think it’s because he then feels like he knows me better- because I let my walls down and don’t get caught up in my insecurities or hide behind fear.
9. How can we incorporate these things into our relationship?
Judgement: This card means to accept what has come, and rise above it. We both, and I mean that I am fully responsible for my part as well, have a tendency to keep past hurts in our back pocket for later. There have been many times that I will find I’m still angry over something that happened months ago, because instead of resolving it then and there, I let it fester. My husband recently confessed to doing the same. We need to understand that our relationship means more to us than these past hurts- not to mention, without speaking on them, we couldn’t have known about them- to be who we need to be. I need to start finding wholeness in the things I’ve started, instead of seeking something new in fear of ruining the old; whereas he needs to understand that everything we have can be replaced- except us, and our son.
This reading, for me, was a tear-jerker. Opening up about my flaws, and being real with my part in our relationship’s faults, is difficult. Though I’m the first person to recognize and verbalize I’m not perfect, I’ve denied that I’m afraid of how true that statement is. I fear failure on a cellular level, so I skip and jump over life hoping to find that thing which will erase that fear and bring me fulfillment. I’ve begun to realize that nothing but my commitment to myself, my family, and the things that make my soul happy, will ever bring that. And my husband, bless him, has started to realize that constantly improving ourselves only brings more abundance, more happiness, and more wealth into our lives.
We’ve been working through the things that keep us from being closer, and even though the cards didn’t reveal anything that we didn’t already know, it reiterated truths we both knew. It made us feel better about the ideas we’ve already begun to integrate into our relationship, and it also made it easier to continue communicating- because we realize we love each other. We hadn’t forgotten it, of course, but we might have forgotten how to show it.
I hope this helps you, and perhaps gives you a bit of insight into your own relationship!
Until next time, my friends…