I have a confession to make. More to myself than you all, because you don’t live in my head (or do you?).
I started writing this blog because I’ve always had this dream of combining my love of teaching, with my passion for witchcraft, and this talent of writing that so many seem to think I have. When I woke up with the idea of this blog, the name and the premise, I felt excited. It was the beginning of something I’d wanted to do for a long time, and I felt I’d finally found the perfect avenue to pursue it.
The writing, for me, is cathartic. I take a couple hours a day to do something for me that I haven’t done in forever- just write. Sometimes what I have to say ends up on the blog, sometimes it ends up saved to a file to either post later- or not at all. But, this thing I’ve created, is something I look forward to everyday.
The witchcraft and the daily magick I’ve been incorporating into my life because of it, and the closeness I feel with my craft and my family, is something that I love and also look forward to every day.
The selling the shit out of myself to feel important is not. You see, I’m very much an “in-my-head” person, and in that head, there’s a lot of broken pieces floating around. Trauma and things I’ve only yet to begin working through bump into everything, breaking vases and china dishes- leaving me to walk along the shattered remains barefoot. I walk around, constantly, thinking I am not good enough for anything- and it’s taken a long while to even recognize that thought process exists, let alone begin to correct it. I’ll make progress recognizing those feelings in certain areas of my life, and then another new area will come up, and it’ll be weeks before I realize I’ve fallen back on old habits of being dissatisfied with being me.
Knowing I love writing and this blog, and knowing all that it’s given me over the last month, I’ve been considering giving it up over the last few days. Quitting. For me, it was just a natural thought- something isn’t going as planned, and therefore, I immediately want to throw it away (yet, I’m the first person to be there helping push other people through their mud- ironic, I know). My husband, bless him, is actually the one who kept me from turning in my witchy-blogger hat without first questioning why.
His question to me, before I was allowed to turn in my quill, was: “Does what I’m doing feel like work?”
My answer was revealing, and even shocking, to me. No, it doesn’t. At least not the writing and witchcraft part. I feel great when I’m doing those things. But, the branching out on Facebook, the promoting myself and my business to gain new readers and followers, that sucks. And not because I don’t want a growing audience, because- in all honesty- I’d love to be one of those famous witches who are known for dealing out great advice; but I don’t like the promoting myself because I get trapped in my head when I do it.
“Is anyone even reading my blog? Does anyone care what I have to say? What does my tone sound like? Am I coming off as condescending or all knowing? Are they getting tired of seeing my blog pop up in their feed, is that why they’re not interacting with it? Will I ever be successful?”
And that last one gets stuck on repeat, like a broken record, until I’m depressed and considering if I should just give up on something I’ve grown to really love. Will I ever be successful?
What a strange concept, right? What is success? Is it the creation of the blog, or the writing of it every day? It can’t be, because then I’d be able to answer yes, and do my little dance of joy- which is quite spectacular, I might add- and move on. But I don’t. I stay stuck on this idea of success as a tangible but unreachable thing.
And for me, in my mind, apparently, success means a slew of followers. People who read my posts and find them worthy of interaction. People to read my posts and see that I have talent, or knowledge, worthy of their admiration.
Will I ever be successful?
That’s not what I’m asking myself though, is it? I’m asking myself if I’ll ever be worthy. I’m in the process of searching for the next high to validate my existence, when really, I need to be sitting here and enjoying this moment. I need to find pride in that after practicing for 15 years, I’ve found a way to bring even more to my craft. I need to be excited that I’m learning more about myself, my family, and my practice, than I have in years of doing the same ol’ same ol’.
But instead, I’ve tagged this experience as one that will define me. It will rid me of the damage I’ve suffered- the brokenness I feel. Somehow, with more people, it will erase the words spoken by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, and it will finally allow me to love me.
Yet, it won’t, will it? No matter how many people do or do not read this blog, or how many people buy a tarot reading or yell from the rooftops that I’m a spiritual genius- no matter how many circumstances I am presented with- it will never be enough.
Why? Because I can’t see that I already am enough. I will continue to reach, trying to grasp some alien concept of happiness, instead of living in the moment and enjoying the right now.
I have a blog. I am creating magick, daily. I am a woman whose found a way to combine all the things I love into one big thing, and it makes me happy- yet, I’m chasing some idea of better happiness, more happiness.
I want to be better, sure. But, that doesn’t come with a price tag and a receipt. It comes with me working through my shit, in a real way, so I can be who I want to be- the woman/witch my husband and son already think I am.
That doesn’t mean a billion followers. It means finding peace and love in myself knowing I’m doing what I love- even if no one else out there gives a damn.
And, that, ladies and gentlemen, is my confession. I have been relying on you, whomever you are, to make me worthy- all the while I’ve been portraying this idea that I already am. I’ve been inauthentic, trying to shy away from the darker aspects of myself, hoping you’ll validate all that’s good in me if that’s all you can see.
I choose to no longer be that way. I love this blog. I love teaching and writing, and I am wholly and authentically a witch in every fiber of my being. I will find a way to feel worthy without an identifier- and I will repair my brokenness with the love and attention it needs, not some bullshit idea. I will not let this thing I’ve created morph into something dirty and damaging for me.
So, from now on, you may see some curse words- because, in real life, I have a very colorful way of speaking. You may notice my tone isn’t always sunny and special- because not every day am I feeling happy and witty. There will be days you just see me, a witch, struggling to love herself.
And if you can be okay with that, I can be okay with the fact that you may never read it.
Until tomorrow, my friends…